I think he's my muse.

I'd just like to use this space to announce that my first non-fiction novel (a term coined by Truman Capote) will be about the life and times of one Edward Hochuli.

He's the most interesting man in the world those Mexican Beer commercials are talking about.

Lawyer, who works out religiously, listens to crazy ass techno music, and is a football referee who tragically fucked up a call in a basically meaningless game (assuming the division doesn't come down to one game) and is so tortured about it that he's ANSWERING ALL OF THE HATE MAIL HE RECEIVED! With personal apologies!

It's going to be like "In Cold Blood" except I will take longer to kill myself with alcoholism.

*photo courtesy of the Onion short "Ed Hochuli First Down Signal Decapitates Player."

No, David Oden...I will not be your Facebook friend

That's it...just wanted to everyone know.

Too soon?

Boys,

Just wanted to be "Badanian" and develop a little nice conversation on here. As you know, my IRISH beat the hapless Wolverines today convincingly. 6 turnovers and playing in the remnants of Hurricane Ike made it easier for the Irish to gain a lead and keep it, but they did win big.

So the question is posed...was this week a bad Michigan team or have the Irish turned the corner on last years 3 win campaign? Clausen looks good, they have speed at WR, a nice combo in the backfield and the OL is much improved. The defense is like the Bengals of '05...bend, don't break, and very opportunistic.

Special Teams: Mike Anello. Dav, you can do the story on him.

thoughts?

Go Irish.

Chad 1, NFL 0.

So, according to some published reports, 85 is now Chad Ocho Cinco, nee Johnson.

According to Miami radio station 790 The Ticket, which is in Johnson's hometown, the receiver has legally changed his last name to "Ocho Cinco." Johnson's -- sorry -- Ocho Cinco's reported name change has been rumored in NFL circles for weeks, and according to the station today, it's official.

Personally, his antics have grown stale if he can't hold onto the ball on a downfield pass, but I still think this is hilarious.
I just can't wait to see how the broadcasters deal with this. It won't be fall to me until I hear Phil Simms or Greg Gumbel say "Ocho Cinco gets both feet down in the corner of the endzone!"

So, it won't be fall this year until mid-November, probably.

UPDATE: Here's a link to Chad's new Wikipedia page. Brilliant

He Got Game?

Ok, let's take a minute and break down these poses.

On the left, naturally, we have Sen. Barack Obama, of Illinois, an avowed South-Sider and Bears fan (apparently) who seems to have a better grip on the ball than either of his team's potential starting quarterbacks. However, I'd be willing to bet Orton's got him when it comes to Neck-Beard ability, and Grossman is probably a bigger douche.
Ball's got no laces, though, so it's probably a tough spiral.

Now let's look to the right side of the page.

Senator, it's a football, not an urn with your mother in it. Who in the campaign was unwilling to tell this guy to drop a shoulder like he did in the backyard? Seriously, the man looks like he's presenting that thing for a Showcase Showdown on the Price Is Right.

As I'm sure you're all aware, I was really waffling on my choice this election, but now my choice is clear. That is all.

I Don't Care

I don't care if Michael Vick didn't really throw balls out of the stadium or if LeBron didn't nail 85 footers with regularity or if Kobe didn't jump over that car...




This is freaking sweet. It looks so realistic, though I'm sure Ham or Eon will claim they could put this together with 30 minutes on Apple's Final Cut Pro.

Give props to Reebok for a fantastic viral marketing campaign.

A Critical Analysis

Gentlemen,

Late summer is once again upon us. Dog days of heat, humidity, and the ad nauseum triviality of sportswriters at training camp lead each of us to marvel that snow and ice ever existed, or might ever exist again. And thus the time of Fantasy Football is neigh. As this pre-autumnal occasion looms, each one of us is confronted with the Herculean task of choosing a moniker for his respective squad. Sure, we'd like to say that we fill that little box with whatever passing fancy brilliantly streaks across our consciousness in the spur of that moment. But that would be a lie.

For within every player spins a frantic machine; quietly, doggedly attempting the evasive calculus that seems to whisper..."Well, even if I finish seventh, at least my team's name was thoughtful, whimsical, and offered an irrefutable glimpse of my rapier wit. At least I'll have that."

And so, in a way, in a very small way, the Fantasy Football champion is crowned even before the draft order is set.

So let's take a look back, into the storied annals of Mariemont Fantasy Football Team Names, to find the ultimate champion whose name shall echo forever across the infinite span of the internet.

Firstly, a short analysis of team names from the 2002-2007 seasons.

Of the 40 names chosen since 2002:

• 12.5% were some form of inside joke (e.g. "The Boxcar Children", Frank 2002 or "D.O.L.O., Anderson 2005)
  
• 20% reference some kind of timely pop culture reference or were generally topical (eg. "Bad Newz Kennels", Badanes 2007)
• 20% related to the geographical location of the player (e.g. "Hampshire 23-Skidoo", Hampton 2002 or "Lucky in Kentucky" Frank, 2005)
• 22.5% lent support of one kind or another to a specific team (e.g. "In Marvin I Trust", Landes 2005 or "Quinn to Samardzjia", Hanley 2006)
• 30% seemed to fit no sort of trend, or follow any logic know to me ("Ridge's Code Red Zone", Badanes 2004 or "Chargin Chargers", Anderson 2003)

Some names even managed to span two discreet categories (e.g. "WM Bungals", Hanley 2002 or "Norfolk Mudbloods", Martin 2005).

It should be noted that there seems to be no statistical trend between team names and team success. However, longer seems to be better as the eventual champion since 2002 has contained at least 14 letters 4 out of 6 times.

With that fundamental understanding in mind, let us move on to the award for BEST FANTASY FOOTBALL NAME OF THE 21st CENTURY.

2nd RUNNER UP is........... "The Boxcar Children", Frank 2002

Analysis: I picked this name not because of it's connection to Roger Maris Jr's home in St. Augustine, but because I actually drafted this team to coincide with the strengths and weaknesses of each Boxcar Child. For example Tiki Barber was Henry Alden, oldest of the Boxcar Children and their leader. Violet Alden was represented in the Miami defense, because I envisioned them as pre-pubescent girls.

1 st RUNNER UP is..............."Reception No Shows", Martin 2007

Analysis: Clearly it took Chris a while to figure out how to squeeze his most infamous moment into the allowable letter allotment. "Groom - Appendix = Unforgettable Evening"?...nope. "Lower Gastro-Intestinal Inflamation"?....uh uh. Thanks for taking the time on the bridge to get this one right Chris, even if it briefly endanger a multi-billion dollar piece of taxpayer hardware!

The ULTIMATE CHAMPION is........... "Mom's Basement", Hanley 2008

Analysis: This stroke of pure genius operates on so many gently shaded intellectual levels. It truly warms the cockles and sub-cockles of my heart. Here's why:

• First, there is the subtle nod to the class act "Mo's Tavern", winner of the first ever Iron Horse Award for Continuous and Contiguous Service
• Second, it conjures up a wonderful image. Michael in his fortress of solitude, precisely equidistant from both the Bell Tower and Wendy's.
• At finally, there is the blatant self-deprecation that worked so well for Chris Martin in the past (" ShortDoggs", 2002 and "American Not Idol", 2004). But how it has been taken to a new and spectacular level.

I tip my up-turned finger tips at the poker table of your genius. Well played, sir. Well played.

As a parting thought, here are my predictions based entirely on the trends of the past for the 2009 season's names:

Mikey: howiwishtheybrokethecurse
Flip: Ned Ryerson?!?!
Phil: "Uncy Phil"
Dave: (Insert headline from cnn.com)
Hampton: The Q-Chron-ic
Martin: Skyline Time (sung with open palm split extension)
Ian: Tony Award Winner

Night fellas.